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Admitting my grief

This would be my first and only post about my miscarriage. Been reading support materials telling me that it would be therapeutic to write, but I find pouring out myself on writing to be emotionally-draining. 

Alas, I find myself sad once more. I am surfing the net for nonsense materials, with my husband sitting patiently beside me, ready for any errand or favor that I bid. But here I am, at a loss, on how I feel. Partly because I am grateful that I didn't need the much dreaded D & C. I stopped bleeding last night, and the abdominal cramps have been more bearable. My medications would be completed by tomorrow, and I could be up and about soon. But I find myself drained -physically, emotionally, spiritually. 

For the first time, I would be admitting that I am afraid that I'd never get pregnant again. The miscarriage was hard news to swallow, regardless how much I prepared myself for it. Finding out about the myoma (tumor in my uterus) and retroverted uterus (this I've known before but never understood fully), I finally understood what miracle it was to find myself pregnant weeks after the honeymoon. The OB says it is still possible to get pregnant, though difficult. My heart says it is scared.

Though grateful that I did not have to suffer much because of the miscarriage, to say I am grieving is an understatement. The first night was terrible. I cannot sleep no matter how tired I was. I've been crying a lot. Now I am irritated all the time. The smallest things piss me off. But the most depressing part is that  I still find myself rubbing my tummy, missing the morning and evening kisses my husband gives to greet our baby. I tried searching for reasons why my baby did not make it. I tried managing my stress levels, treating my UTI, keeping myself healthy. But my doctor says these things just happen, no matter how much I prevent/prepare for it. And regardless of the answers that science gives me, I still am angry. I am literally in pain. I am at loss. But most of all, I am in grief. So please, it would just be nice to acknowledge the situation that I am in. 

Moments like this made me realize that many Filipinos are still not comfortable with the concept of death. I got a lot of texts and messages of support and comfort - mostly sorry's and hugs. A simple, "I am sorry for your loss", or "Hugs", suffice. But messages like, "it is not your time..", "no need to be atat...", "this has a reason..", "magkakaanak ka pa.." are just pushing it. Please. I am in grief and that's it. Acknowledge there is pain, be sorry for the loss, do not downplay the grief. Because for the first time, I am admitting I am too weak to handle this. 


hay, buhay

mag-i-isang buwang pa lang pero pagod na ako. sabi ko nga, "i'm in my elements." ito ang gusto kong vibe at stress. pero iritable na naman ako all the time. sana lang, maisip nilang may higher purpose ang lahat ng ginagawa naming trabaho. na hindi ito basta paraan para kumita ng pera o sumikat. na isa itong calling para sa iba, o bokasyon, na may publikong pinaglilingkuran at nakikinabang. sa akin, isa itong pag-ibig. pag-ibig na laging babalik-balikan at lalasapin.

is it okay

to move on when you feel its the end of the road? when learning has stopped? when you regress rather than move forward?

decisions, decisions.

career options

Its my third time to conduct a training for children, and it is truly a fulfilling job. It makes all the stress about working for a US grant worthwhile. Though I am still unhappy about the pay (NGO rate despite the funder), working for this cause really made me believe that sometimes, its not just about the money.

I consider it a blessing and a privilege to be working amidst less fortunate children, who literally have to break their backs to go to school everyday. This kind of experience makes me complain less and appreciate more. However, if personal plans push through, staying in this profession isn't really ideal for me; not only because of the money but because of the time it takes away from all the traveling and meetings.

With this, I pray for grace, that I may endure all the stress and frustrations. There's a bigger picture to all of these - and I'm thrilled to find out.

i feel like crying

or i THINK i want to cry (because the term feel like is actually more of a thought rather than a feeling).

i'm so disoriented lately. i find it hard to work, especially with this laptop which i think is about to give up. i can actually hear it giving up. pumupugak is quite a good way to put it - like its actually begging me to cease its agony.

i'm always tired. i want to take vitamin supplements but i was disallowed because of my hyperacidity.

i'm always hungry even though i know i'm full (weird...).

i'm always stressed. stresstabs na ata ang katapat nito.

please, just give me an efficient laptop and i'll stop whining. i'm not being a kid. its just hard to work when your unit takes 10 glorious minutes to open a high resolution poster.

i'm just blogging today because i have no work unit. i'm using my personal laptop with hardly any of my work files in it. this really sucks.


Gordon is my president

As I cast my ballot tomorrow, I'll make sure that Dick Gordon gets his rightfully deserved vote. I am for a man of action. I am voting Gordon because he is not afraid to displease people. I am voting a leader, not a savior. I am voting a doer, not a charmer. I want my president to gear the country, which would entail making unpopular decisions.

Gordon fits the bill. Gordon is definitely my president.


nananaginip ba ako?

totoo ba ito: http://ph.promo.yahoo.com/purple-thumb/editors-log-article?blogid=editors_log&postid=152&viewPost=1

Students group endorsing Villar? Students coming from UP, the supposed most enlightened studentry in the country?  Really? Anakbayan? LFS? CEGP -- seryoso kayo?!

This is absurd. This is insane.

If this is true, for the first time in my life, I AM ASHAMED to be ever part of any of these groups (okay, OA naman pero hindi ako naging miyembro ng lahat ng grupong ito).

And go ahead, lambast my blog. Bago nga lang kayo matulog, isipin ninyong mabuti bakit sina Villar at Legarda in-endorse ninyo. Dahil ang opinyon ninyo, magmimistulang opinyon ng mas malaking populasyon kahit hindi naman ganun talaga ang pulso.

Sayang ang prinsipyong ipinaglalaban ninyo. Natulad na kayo sa mas nakakatanda nating iniisip ang personal/pang-grupong interes at hindi ang kanilang konsensya sa pagboto.






Kanina Pa

Nag-download ako ng kantang Kanina Pa sa Multiply account ni Ean Aguila. Ilang araw ko nang pinakikinggan. Ilang araw na rin akong naluluha at natutuwa. Alam kong ang baduy pero nakaka-quesong isipin na ang tagal na namin ni Tats. At sa kantang ito kami nagsimula :)

writer's block

I feel so frustrated right now. After years of writing, I still have writer's block. What frustrates me more is the fact that I know I'd be able to produce this story that I need to submit when deadline is nearing.

I hate cramming. I know I practically thrived on this during college. But now I'm older (and hopefully wiser), I've learned stress can be better managed if I learn NOT to cram.

If only I can find my first five words and I'm good to go.


RIP Bing Baguioro

Please extend your prayers to Dr. Bing Baguioro, Ed.D., staunch child rights and education advocate here in the Philippines. He passed away yesterday after a heart attack. His remains lie in Camp Aguinaldo Catholic Church, Quezon City.